WANKER OF THE WEEK #1: Sylvain Gbohouo

In Group C of African World Cup Qualifying, Morocco was on top of the table with 9 points, and the Ivory Coast was right on their tail with 8. Conveniently, they played each other in the last round of qualifiers, with the winner off to Russia and the loser staying home. I wouldn’t have been terribly upset if Morocco won, as one of my favorite old co-workers was Moroccan, but the Ivory Coast have been my favorite team in Africa since I began following this sport, so I was rooting on the elephants. The game was played, and Morocco won 2-0 sending them to the World Cup, as a result of some truly PATHETIC goalkeeping from our inaugural Wanker of the Week, Ivory Coast goalie Sylvain Gbohouo.

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I am getting infuriated just writing about this stupid WANKER! How the HECK, in the match deciding your nation’s fate in World Cup Qualifying, can you suddenly decide to make Loris Karius look like Oliver Kahn in his prime. THESE STUPID SCHOOLBOY GOALKEEPING ERRORS HAVE COST ONE OF MY TOP 5 NATIONS A SPOT IN THE WORLD CUP, ITS BAD ENOUGH AMERICA MISSED OUT NOT THIS CRAP TOO!!!!!!!! He looked like a blind dog attempting to play fetch in goal. Give Morocco credit, their manager Herve Renard is showing once again why he is one of the best managers in African international football, but they were absolutely GIFTED this game. Gbohouo was indecisive to just plain stupid out there, and both Moroccan goals were a direct result of the keeper being born without any brain cells in his head whatsoever. Watch the video in the link below to see just how bad it is.

WANKER GOALKEEPING

Yes. Now you see with your own two eyes why Gbohouo is such a mega-wank. Morocco’s first goal was supposed to be a CROSS. Literally, just a high ball slowly floating in the box, with no Morocco players really even all that close to the ball. It is literally so EASY for the goalie to come out and claim this cross. Even if he did stay on his line, his reaction to that ball was slower than an 80 year old grandma walking out to her car (and yes, I do know from experience how slow that is). If he had moved just a few seconds earlier, he could have gotten down to his right and beat that ball away for a corner. Instead, his indecisiveness and turtle-slow reactions led to a harmless high ball turning into a decisive goal. For the second goal, he came out for the corner kick, then suddenly decided he didn’t want to commit all the way, so he ended up stuck in no mans land like a deer in headlights, as Morocco smashed the ball in for their second goal, effectively writing their ticket to Russia. The video also shows a moment in the second half where Gbohouo fumbled a cross leading to a Morocco shot, with Serge Aurier having to desperately clear off the line. This video didn’t even show a free kick in the first half, where most goalkeepers would have comfortably caught it at their near post, Wanker was much too far to the center and had to desperately palm it away for a corner, the ensuing corner was the one that led to the second goal. So the second goal, a result of goalkeeping error, might not have even happened if it wasn’t for goalkeeping error! They literally teach set pieces and crosses in American youth goalkeeping training, anyone being paid actual money to be a goalkeeper should at least get the basics right. Manager Marc Wilmots will almost certainly be fired as a result of their failure to qualify, but he should have the right to fire his goalkeeping coach first!

So congratulations, Sylvain Gbohouo, you may have singlehandedly flushed your country’s World Cup dreams down the toilet, but at least you can take comfort in the fact you have the prestigious honor of being The Sturridge Dance’s first ever, WANKER OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!

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Wanker of the Week is a weekly feature of The Sturridge Dance, where we name the weeks biggest wanker in the game of football. After a full month, I will post a link to a poll, where readers can decide who the Wanker of the Month is. To prevent myself from picking him every week, I have enacted a self-imposed quota of only writing about Dejan Lovren once a month. Feel free to suggest future Wankers!

 

 

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