Hello readers of TSD, I am very sorry for not being active, I am also a college student and finals week is in full swing, leaving me with not that much time to watch that much football and even less to write about it. However, this morning I saw behavior so arrogant and disgusting that I knew studying had to wait, I had to write this article. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, your second edition of Wanker of the Week, this one goes out to…….. CHRISTIAN BENTEKE!


It is no secret to anyone who has ever talked about football with me that I am not very fond of Christian Benteke as a player. Until this summer, he was the most expensive purchase ever for my club, Liverpool, and I could not stand him. Yes, he has an excellent overall goal scoring record, and is physically very tall and strong, but his style of play is not suited to a big club. He is very slow and not at all mobile, is very bad in the air for someone so big, and offers nothing as a striker in terms of dribbling, pace, tracking back to defend, or link up play. His entire style of play is “cross it to me a million times and I will just stand there and wait for the ball to be played to my feet or head” which works if you are at a small club battling relegation that needs goals, but not Liverpool or other big clubs where so much is expected of your record transfer and playing styles are more complex. However, while I HATED his lazy and primitive style of play on the pitch, I always had respect for Mr. Benteke as a person. He always seemed to try his best and spoke very respectfully of his teammates, manager, fans, and the club, his style just did not fit us, so I was happy for both Liverpool and him when he got his transfer away to Crystal Palace, a smaller club with many fast wingers to give him good service. However, after today, I have lost all respect for him as a person as well as a player, and he can now go to my personal pit of misery. Dilly Dilly!

Crystal Palace has had an awful start to this years Premier League campaign, spending almost all of the season so far in last place. However, they are beginning to pick up momentum and points, and found themselves up to 18th place as they prepared to take on Bournemouth today at Selhurst Park. A win could have taken them out of the relegation zone. The game got off to a very fast paced start, with a penalty from Luka Milivojevic and Scott Dann scoring for Crystal Palace and the ageless wonder Jermain Defoe scoring a brace for Bournemouth, leading to a 2-2 scoreline at halftime. The second half was a lot tighter, with neither team wanting to concede the winner and both wanting to score, leading to a rather cagey affair, and by the 93rd minute it seemed destined to be a draw, when suddenly, Bournemouth’s Charlie Daniels tripped Wilfried Zaha in the penalty box, and referee Kevin Friend pointed to the penalty spot. Selhurst Park held its breath as the fans waited for the penalty, just one man against the goalkeeper, to give the Eagles a very valuable win against a relegation rival.

This should have been an easy situation for Palace. Luka Milivojevic is their designated number one PK taker, and he had already scored one earlier today in the first half. I think every Palace fan expected to see the big Serb strolling to the spot with the ball and scoring as he usually does. It really should have been a no-brainer. Then Christian Benteke stuck his nose in. Benteke very arrogantly decided that he wanted to be the big hero, grabbed the ball from Luka (I can’t type that last name anymore) and held on to it, despite all of his teammates and the manager protesting and telling him to give it up. Eventually they had no choice to relent, as he would not give up the ball, and Benteke stepped up to the spot to take the penalty he should have nothing to do with. This is not uncommon, players just step up and take penalties when they shouldn’t a fair amount of times, with Mario Balotelli and Zlatan Ibrahimovic (I know, you couldn’t find a classier and more humble pair of gentlemen in the whole game of football than these two) coming to mind as recent examples of this behavior. However, when you stick your nose in that way, you better be damn sure you are scoring, and Benteke had not scored since April and had missed four penalties already this year. I think you all know what is coming next in this story by now, Benteke took one of the worst penalty kicks I have ever seen in my life. He took a very weak shot straight down the middle of the goal, right into the path of Asmir Begovic for an easy save. Begovic didn’t even really have to dive, just fall down to stop it. At least make the keeper work if you are taking a penalty! His PK had neither power or placement on it, and it cost his team two valuable points as the whistle blew soon after, the match finished a 2-2 draw and Benteke was rightfully booed off the pitch by his own supporters.


This story gets even worse when you hear about its effect on Crystal Palace. With the two clubs below the Eagles, Swansea and West Ham, winning today, Palace are now right back down to bottom of the league. These dropped points will also be a huge momentum killer, right as the club was starting to find some form. If the Eagles are relegated by a small margin then I am POSITIVE everyone will revisit this moment as a potential opportunity for more points that could have kept them up. A club in this position cannot afford to have its starting striker thinking only of himself and causing unnecessary drama on the pitch, only to then single handedly drop points for his club. This will definitely have a negative effect on team morale and dressing room unity as well, in a relegation fight you need everyone to remain optimistic and united, and cannot afford deflating matches like this. You think Luka M. is going to want to pass to or go to battle for Benteke now?! I know I wouldn’t if I were him, I’d tell him to go f*ck himself! What a pighead! His own manager, Roy Hodgson, was rightfully furious, and did not hide that after the match when speaking to the media. He said, “Why did Christian take the penalty? Well, I don’t know the answer to that. I didn’t tell him to take it. We expected Luka to take it, but for some reason Christian wanted to and then he missed it. When you take a penalty away from the designated taker you risk the wrath of your teammates, fans, and manager if you miss it. He is in a bit of a black hole with the supporters now.” When asked if he would tell Benteke not to step up for another penalty, Hodgson replied “He’s been told that already”. Woy Hodgson did not exactly hide his disgust for Chwistian Benteke there, and think about this for a second. Someone must have royally screwed up, if your club is managed by Roy Hodgson, and your club blows a game for a reason other than the fact your club is managed by Roy Hodgson! Palace were starting to build momentum, and are still unbeaten in over a month, but this draw feels a lot like a loss, and now they are back where they started in last place, all because Benteke was so conceited he thought he could win the game all on his own, even when he had no place to be taking that penalty kick. Thanks a lot Christian! I don’t even care about the fact that Crystal Palace have no other true strikers on their roster, Hodgson should promote a kid from the academy and drop Benteke until he learns to be a good teammate. At least that hypothetical teenager would play like Crystal Palace FC meant something to him, not just stat padding goals for himself. What a prick! The fans in South London deserve so much better than him as their clubs record signing, and believe me Palace fans, I know how it feels to have this man as your high profile player, and I sympathize from the bottom of my heart for you.


For his utter selfishness, stupidity, and just awful kick that cost his club so much, Christian Benteke is The Sturridge Dance’s second WANKER OF THE WEEK! Now he finally has a trophy to put in his empty cabinet back home! When your team is relegated and you cry that nobody wants to buy you anymore, maybe you should think about the fact that clubs don’t want a brainless dinosaur who thinks only about himself and his own glory even when he hasn’t scored in eight months. Piss off Benteke, you overrated bullying fraud. I always knew you were a wank stain on the pitch, but now I know you are a wank stain of a person as well.


Wanker of the Week is a feature of the Sturridge Dance where I decided the weeks biggest wanker in the game of football. To prevent myself from naming him every week, I have enacted a self imposed quota of once a month for writing about Dejan Lovren. 

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